Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
