Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
