bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
