I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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