Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
