i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
