So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
