I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
