I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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