I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
