Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm sobbing to NWA
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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