Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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