He asked to "fluff my boner.."
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
