ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So much rum. So many feels.
Can you bring me the toilet please
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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