My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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