if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
