this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
