3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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