I didn't shave. On purpose
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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