i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
