what day is it and did you see me today?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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