I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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