drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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