census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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