wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
