I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
