oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
