Cold hands, warm shart.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
