I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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