Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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