I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
