My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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