so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
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If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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