how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My breasts were aching with rage.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
