hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
