he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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