My liver just broke up with me...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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