there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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