My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
