A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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