Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
