Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
