Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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