you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
