Plan B is the new Plan A
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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