This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
