the new term for farting is butt boxing.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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