Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We got so high we made milksteak
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
