Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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