woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
