I wish they made helmets for livers.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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