Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
