She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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