He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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