I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
