Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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